Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
