im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
