i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
