i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
