It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize