I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
