You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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