im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
