just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
