ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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