remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
