OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
