I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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