On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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