we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
