Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
