Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
