I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
