apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
