She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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