dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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