Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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