Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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