New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
