6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize