At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
