Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
