3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
