There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
