my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize