So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Randomize
