My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
