U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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