he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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