if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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