Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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