woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize