Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
