im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize