YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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