Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
