I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
