just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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