Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
