Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
