i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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