I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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