my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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