It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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