Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
