i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
