can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
