he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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