oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
