He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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