first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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