I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
