I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
