nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
