i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
