I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
