i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
